How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
