im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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