So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
