my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
