why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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