why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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