I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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