I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
