Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
