All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
