peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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