I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
