I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
