I skipped work to stalk him.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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