If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm sobbing to NWA
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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