Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
