Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
