Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
