what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
