Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
