I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
this will be a night to untag.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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