its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
