im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
My vagina just recognized that song.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
