Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
