dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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