she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
