At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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