She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
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Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
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I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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