just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
