I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
