What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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