Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
