I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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