the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
