if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
