worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
