He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
