please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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