we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
