y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
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We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
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Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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