I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
3pm strippers are depressing
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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