im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
