The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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