so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
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No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
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I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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