Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
