Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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