The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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