Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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