bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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