Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
