You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
this is an emotional support booty call
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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