I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
