So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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