evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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