Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
