I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
